


It's Not A Problem When Your Kid Starts Watching A Lot Of Horror Movies, It's A Problem When He Starts Sawing Off Your Foot While You Are Sleeping

by TheSimplestOfAllSocks



Category: Gintama
Genre: Eyeballs outside of orbits have been mentioned, Gintoki doesn't have the cleanest of mouths, Is that graphic?, M/M, Two emotionally stunted boys caring for each other and just trying to survive, What is graphic violence?, like in melted form is that grapic? help
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-25
Updated: 2018-07-15
Packaged: 2019-05-28 06:39:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15042965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSimplestOfAllSocks/pseuds/TheSimplestOfAllSocks
Summary: The Demon Vice-Commander of the Shinsengumi is used to cutting down his enemies and getting it over with. But when he finds himself facing an enemy that hides behind a screen, and is honestly just a Jigsaw wannabe, he must find a way to survive while also making sure that he doesn't have to kill the Yorozuya while doing so.





	1. Chapter 1

Hijikata wants to keep walking. He really does. But he is a Shinsegumi officer before he is a sane person, which is why he finds himself moving towards the silver haired samurai currently lying in the middle of the street with a baby’s bib tied around his neck.

Hijikata does not envy Sakata Gintoki’s life. Pity is a lot closer to his feeling regarding it.

“-ot tolerate such injustice! How dare you go back on your words? Do you have no pride? No honor?” Hijikata hears him shouting as he approaches the human disaster. The latest victim of the Yorozuya just scoffs like anyone would on receiving a lecture on pride from a grown man in a bib. He slams his shop’s door on the Yorozuya’s face, clearly done with his bullshit. Hijikata can relate with that.

“Oi, get up! You are blocking the path and being a nuisance. Again.”

The Yorozuya, of course, doesn’t get up and instead rolls over to Hijikata. Hijikata gives himself a few seconds to wonder what exactly happened to the Yorozuya for him to give up on even trying to act like a respectable member of the society. Was he ever one to begin with?

“Nicotine-kun! You finally showed up. Tardiness is not a good look on the police.” He huffs and sits up to cross his arms.

“You have guts to lecture me about tardiness, you broken alarm clock!”

“God, stop shouting. The stress is not good for the baby.”

“What baby?” Hijikata utters, realizing a bit too late where this is going.

“Me.”

“Have you been looking at memes?” Hijikata is not surprised. There is only so much Jump one could read before looking to waste their time doing something else.

“Kagura, that brat, said I wasn’t cool so I am just proving how chill I am. I am a bae, I know the way.”

Hijikata turns around and starts walking away. Hijikata Toushirou prides himself for being a strong man who can work rationally and sensibly under great stress but this was a little too much even for him.

_I am a bae, I know the way._

_Toshi, take the wheel. This body is yours now. Let me rest._

“Where are you going, you damn tax-thief? You still haven’t helped me. I am having a crisis here!”

_I can see that. You poor middle aged man._

“Stop clinging to my foot,” Hijikata says instead.

He feels a strong urge to kick the man off of him. So he does. The Yorozuya expertly dodges the kick directed at him, so used is he of getting kicked out of the blue.

“Since this bastard here,” the perm-head says, glaring at the shop behind him, “refused to give me free sweets, I am now hungry and low on sugar. Treat me.”

“Why would he give you free candies?” Hijikata says before catching sight of the poster hanging in front of the store.

“This says that free candies will be given to children below five years of age.”

“You know as well as anyone that I am child at heart. All I needed was an outfit to complete the look.”

“So, you’re lying in dirt dressed as a baby because you wanted free candy? God, you’re pathetic.”

“A man can go to great lengths for love, Oogushi-kun.” The Yorozuya gets up, brushing off the dirt and pocketing a rattle. “You’ll be there tonight?”

“As long you don’t do anymore stupid shit like this forcing me to arrest you. You know that you are our prime suspect whenever something shady happens, don’t you? You are going to get caught one of these days. And would you take off that stupid thing already!” Hijikata gestures at the bib.

“I think I kind of like it. Maybe this could be my new look.” Gintoki says, despite pulling off the piece of cloth.

“The only place that look is good for is that creepy club with all those nappy fetishists,” a new voice joins the conversation, “Did you get the candy, Gin-chan?”

“No! I told you that we had better chance of getting it if you wore this thing. And what have I been telling you about going to that sick place!” Gintoki turns to face China and Hijikata thinks of slipping away.

His fingers itch to grab one of the many files on his table and get some work done. He wishes that he could go back to the barracks but Kondou-san has ordered him to take a two hour break.

He has been working without any breaks for four days now. He would only get up to use the washroom or to make a quick visit to the wending machine to get some more cigarettes. His back was aching from having slept at his table for three nights now.

Hijikata looks around. Maybe he should patrol the streets. If Kondou-san asks what he did, he could just say that he took a nice and refreshing walk. Before walking away, Hijikata glances at the NEET bickering with his kid about some missing pudding.

_What a complete moron._

Hijikata walks away.

 

 

He weaves his way through the crowd, his senses on high alert. The people of Edo are busy at work, unaware, or maybe simply uncaring of the dangers that surround them. Hijikata pauses and watches a kid run across the narrow street.

“Seita-kun, you need to stop running ahead of us. Your mother is having trouble keeping up with you,” a fair haired woman admonishes the kid, making her way towards him.

 _Ah, he is not alone. Good._ Hijikata resumes patrolling.

He walks around for a while but sees nothing suspicious going on. After two hours, he makes his way back to the barracks and back to all his problems. Kondou-san inevitably asks him about his break.

“A walk? Ah, that’s good! You should take in all the fresh air you can get, Toshi,” he says, glancing at the cigarette dangling from Hijikata’s lips.

Hijikata simply nods and enters his quarters.

By nightfall, he is done with all the paperwork. He slams the last file on his table. No new leads. No progress. Nothing. He lets out a frustrated yell and punches his desk top after which he proceeds to flip open his phone.

“Yamazaki, bring all the files relating to the latest case in my room right now!”

Once he is done chewing Yamazaki out, he lets his eyes land on the clock in his room.

10 o’ clock.

_The Yorozuya probably already went back home._

He would have to listen to his whining the next time he sees him but right now Hijikata couldn’t care less. He changes into his blue yukata and prepares to head out again.

_Cigarettes. I need more cigarettes._

 

 

Hijikata decides to take an actual walk after his visit to the wending machine. He finds his feet carrying him towards his favorite restaurant. There is a little chance that it would be open this late at night.

 _Looks like I am in luck_ , Hijikata thinks as he sees the lights of the restaurant from a distance.

 “One Hijikata Special, if it’s not too much trouble!” Hijikata says as he walks into the small shop. The old widow gives him a joyful look.

“Welcome, Hijikata-san! I thought you forgot that it was Wednesday.”

“Got too caught up in my work.” Hijikata takes his usual seat at the counter and lets out a deep sigh after the old woman goes to the back of the shop to work on his order.

All his worries that he had been hiding from his men assault him all at once. Despite all the hard work, they had not been able to make much progress in the case. They had been working on it for at least three weeks now. Three weeks with no results. It was getting harder to keep all of it from the public. Hijikata grimaced to think what would happen if the incidents were to be known by the public. Mass panic, for sure. 

It had been becoming more and more difficult for Hijikata to keep a composed face in front of his juniors. The last four days had been hell. He had worked for hours and hours on end only to stumble on dead leads over and over again. The victims refused to speak and the doctors refused to let him near them again after he had snapped at one of them. Needless to say, Hijikata is tired and frustrated.

Hijikata hears the woman place two bowls on the counter. He looks up to see his Hijikata Special in front of him and a bowl of rice covered with red beans next to it. Uji-Gintoki-don?

“Old woman, I think you made a mistake. I do not eat dog shit.”

“No, you prefer cat diarrhea.”

Hijikata turns around to see the Yorozuya walk out of the washroom. He immediately wipes away all the signs of tiredness from his face and sits a little straighter. Hijikata is admittedly confused to see the Yorozuya here at this time.

“Have you been waiting for me? We were supposed to meet two hours ago. ” Hijikata says, barely keeping the surprise from his voice.

“Oh, don’t flatter yourself. I was off doing, uh, stuff and lost track of time,” the Yorozuya says, while slipping into the seat next to Hijikata and eagerly pulling the bowl of dog crap towards him. “I was pleased to think that I had avoided meeting you but here you are being late for the second time today.”

Hijikata would have answered if he weren’t busy looking at the old woman trying to muffle her laughter.

The Yorozuya glares at her being his usual disrespectful self.

“Let’s dig in, Hijikata-kun. And you’re paying.”

“What? Why?”

“’Cause you’re late.”

“Hah? But you’re late too!”

“Shut up,” the illogical piece of shit says over the Granny’s cackling.

Sometimes, he wonders why he bothers to show up here every Wednesday.

After that whole soul switch thing, the Yorozuya and him had grown a little closer. Living someone else’s life for days did that to people. They hadn’t explicitly decided to hang out together like best buds but it was something that had just happened. The Yorozuya and him both used come here to satisfy their unique taste in food. Well, unique for Hijikata and straight up disgusting for the Yorozuya. They kept on running into each other all the time. A few months ago, Hijikata would have tried his best to avoid that from happening but it only took a couple of times of eating together for Hijikata to admit that he didn’t completely loathe the Yorozuya’s company. Sure, he was brash and annoying, but he was surprisingly a good listener and had a cynical sense of humor that Hijikata kind of enjoyed.

Hijikata found himself talking about all sorts of things with him. He also talked about his work. Nothing confidential; just how Yamazaki ditched his duties once again to hang out with a ninja at ninja school or how that guy in Sougo’s squad was now passionate about clean socks. The Yorozuya would pepper in his own comments which were honestly quite amusing and served to relax Hijikata. He would go from angrily ranting to the Yorozuya to laughing with him about the silliness of the whole situation. It soon became their thing. Before long, the two started meeting every Wednesday because Hijikata used to be free from any night patrols that day and the Yorozuya was free every day.

“You will pay one day. Figuratively and literally.”

“Yeah, yeah,” the failed piece of origami says, pushing his beans around with his chopsticks, “so, are you gonna tell me why you look like someone shoved two more sticks up your ass?”

Hijikata tenses. “What do you mean?”

“You have been looking like someone told you the Gorilla uses your food to masturbate since this afternoon,” the Yorozuya says, clearly joking.

“That happened one time.”

Hijikata takes a bite out of his bowl as hears the other choke on his food. The Yorozuya lets out a chuckle and looks at Hijikata, the corners of his mouth curled up.

“Man, and I thought we were weird. What do you guys even do there at the Shinsengumi?”

Hijikata shrugs. “I am pretty sure we are a lot less weird than you. Word’s on the street that the Yorozuya was seen chasing an Amanto that looked like a giant piece of cheese the other day?”

“Yeah, that was one strange ass request.” The Yorozuya smirks at him before eating another bite from his bowl. “How is that case you mentioned last Wednesday going? Caught someone yet?”

“No.” Hijikata makes the mistake of pinching his nose while saying this. The Yorozuya, of course, notices that.

“So that’s what’s troubling you. You still not gonna tell me what’s it’s about? Am I the prime suspect for it too?”

Hijikata shakes his head. “I know that you are pretty messed up in the head but even you wouldn’t do something so fucked up.”

The Yorozuya hums but doesn’t say anything. Hijikata feels a headache creeping on.

“It is really strange how good they are at hiding their tracks. Its either that or my men are more incompetent than I thought. And I don’t think that is possible.” Hijikata says pushing his half eaten food aside.

The Yorozuya looks at him, eyebrow raised.

“I can’t tell you,” Hijikata says, running his hands through his hair.

The Yorozuya eyebrows go little further up.

"It's confidential, damn it."

The Yorozuya shrugs. “I could help.”

Hijikata stutters to a halt. His hand is tangled in his hair and his foot stops bobbing. The Yorozuya is right. He could help. This guy has some serious connections. He has been told that his kid has been seen being all buddy-buddy with the Princess herself. This guy has allies practically everywhere. Hijikata is a police officer. He knows about the war that happened between the Four Devas of Kabukichou. Just because they had been told not to interfere by the higher ups doesn’t mean that Hijikata doesn’t know what exactly went down there. Hijikata has his spies. He knows how it all started. He knows who was standing in the middle of it all with more than half the Kabukichou at his side. This guy is practically the son of one of the Devas and has worked for another one.

Hijikata shakes his head trying to get the image of Pako out of his head. The point is that this guy has influence where the Shinsengumi has none _. “The Savior Of Yoshiwara”, huh?_

 “I mean I want a huge pay for my services. You guys are Government officials. You can fork over a pretty penny.” The Yorozuya proceeds to ramble.

“Jigsaw,” Hijikata says, looking around to confirm that the place is, in fact, empty. He shoots a meaningful look to the old woman and she scuttles away.

“Uh, what?”

“You know who Jigsaw is, right?”

“Yeah, fuck that guy. What’s this got to do with him?”

“Let’s just say there’s a Jigsaw wannabe in town.” Hijikata notices the Yorozuya’s eyes widening a little, as if surprised that Hijikata is actually willing to talk about the case.

“Huh, that’s original and unoriginal at the same time. You know, all you gotta do is find the store that sold a tricycle to an old man.”

“Would you just listen, Yorozuya?” Hijikata huffs, his headache is getting worse and the Yorozuya’s interruptions aren’t helping.

“Four people. Sometimes six, are kidnapped by them and taken, well, somewhere.” Hijikata sees the perm-head about to open his mouth, “No, we don’t know where.”

“They are gone for days with no way to trace them. It’s as if they disappeared in thin air. There is no connection between the victims. Just that people are kidnapped in pairs, which means that if there are four people then there are two pairs.”

“So it’s like a double date gone terribly wrong?” The Yorozuya cannot help but add.

“Just listen. Days later, one of them is seen again, walking on the streets, muttering to themselves.”

“The others?”

“Dead.”

Gintoki nods and scratches the back of his neck.

“Their bodies?”

“Haven’t been found yet. The only reason we know they are dead is because the one that escapes or is let out is always carrying a part of their body with them. Fingers, toes, eyes. It’s sickening.”

“And these people? They don’t remember anything?” the Yorozuya says now running his hand across his face, his eyes still fixed on Hijikata.

“We don’t know. They refuse to say anything. Just keep rocking back and forth and screaming. They are all in psych wards right now. All of them have that same damned glassy eyed look.” Hijikata crossed his fingers in front of his face, his elbows resting on the counter and rests his head against them. He feels the Yorozuya shift a little towards him.

“How many?”

“You don’t wanna know.” Gintoki’s eyes are still fixed on him. He can feel them. He lets out a sigh. “Twenty two people are dead. Six are alive but completely mad.”

_Twenty eight lives ruined._

The Yorozuya inhales sharply. “How are you keeping this from the public?”

Hijikata shrugs.

They are already under a lot of pressure from the higher ups and are being told to quickly put an end to all this. Hijikata understands that it is becoming more and more difficult for them to keep this whole business under wraps.

Hijikata digs out his phone and flips it open to see the time. _It’s getting really late. We should head back._

He casts a look at the Yorozuya who nods and gets up.

“Thank you for the meal!” they both say as they make their way out of the shop leaving their half eaten food behind.

 

 

Hijikata walks towards the barracks, the Yorozuya beside him humming the Doraemon theme song. Hijikata decides against snapping at him and wills himself to endure it for the few minutes that it will take for them to reach the corner where they will part and go their separate ways. All of a sudden, the Yorozuya stops his out of tune humming and lets out a gasp. Hijikata hands move towards his sword as he turns to find Yorozuya pointing ahead at a stall. ‘FREE ICE CREAM FOR COUPLES ON THE WORLD ICE CREAM DAY’ is written on a white banner in red.

Hijikata can see where this going.

“No.”

“Oh come on, I haven’t even said anything!”

“I know what you are thinking. I saw you this afternoon willing to give away your pride for some candies.”

“Hijikata-kun, you told me you literally left the Earth to get some cigarettes. Don’t you dare judge me.”

And man, does he regret telling him about that. “Still not doing it.”

“I think the Universe is trying to make amends for what happened this afternoon. I am not going to kick a gift horse in the mouth.”

“That’s not how it go-”

“I also wasn’t able to eat anything back there ‘cause you decided it was the perfect time to tell the plot of Saw III.”

“You asked me to tell it to you, you bastard!”

“Hijikata-kun!”

“Yorozuya!”

“Hijikata-kun!”

“Yorozuya!”

“Sasuke!”

“Naru-damn it.”

“I knew you were a weeb.”

“You buy a Jump every week, you big baby!”

“Say, Hijikata-kun,” the Yorozuya says, as he drapes himself over him, “won’t you go out with me for five minutes? We can go and have ice-cream on our first date.”

“Yorozuya, you are a grown man clinging to me and blinking his eyes like the wind got tired of your shit and blew some dust in it.”

“Hijikata-kun, don’t be so stubborn. My heart has yearned for you for a long time now,” Hijikata scoffs at the other’s words. “But now there is someone else who has captured my heart. Ice-cream-kun! Go fight him and reclaim me. Eat him, Hijikata-kun. Oh, the things he has done to me. The way he melts into my mouth. I swallow every time, Hijikata-kun. Every time.”

“How did you manage to make both a cannibalism and a sex joke in a few lines?” Hijikata cannot decide if he should grimace or smile. He settles on rolling his eyes. _Well, I am hungry too._ _I will just add some mayonnaise on it to make the taste bearable._

“Alright, alright, if it will keep you from making more inappropriate jokes and ruining my night then that’s what we will do.”

“Yahoo!” the Yorozuya does a small dance and rushes towards the stall.

“My husband and I would like some free ice-cream,” he hears the Yorozuya say as he makes his way towards the stall.

_Husband? Trust the Yorozuya to go all out just to get some sugar._

The man behind the counter grins and looks at Hijikata. Good thing Hijikata is not in his uniform or the man would have already detected the lie.

“I didn’t know that our anniversary was on the same day as the World Ice Cream day!” the Yorozuya continues to talk and Hijikata restrains himself from smacking him.

“Marriage anniversary? Congratulations!” the man says, “for that both of you get two scoops each!”

“Why, thank you.” The Yorozuya pauses and waits for the man to put the two scoops on his cone. “But, it’s actually our doing-the-deed anniversary. You know bend-it-and-smack-it. Happened on our first date. I couldn’t walk for-”

“Yorozuya!” Hijikata lets go and smacks the perm-head, his face completely red. "Enough!”

The man behind the counter simply chuckles and hands them their cones. Hijikata whips out the bottle of his mayonnaise and squirts a good amount of it on his ice-cream, while still glaring at the Yorozuya. The Yorozuya, though, doesn’t look like he would be running his mouth again as he happily licks his treat. Hijikata too takes a lick and nods at the man before continuing his walk back home.

He only moves a couple of steps before he feels a hand on his shoulder. He turns to see the Yorozuya looking at him with wide eyes.

_What the hell?_

Hijikata moves to wrench his hand away from his him when he feels them dig deeper into his shoulder. Before he has the chance, the fingers go slack. Hijikata watches in surprise as the Yorozuya’s eyes roll back and he slumps to the ground. Hijikata’s first instinct is to reach for his sword. It takes him but a second to realize that his sword his useless in this situation. He then decides to call the ambulance.

Hijikata feels the sweetness of the ice cream as the thick coat of mayonnaise surrounding it gets dissolved. And with that, comes light headedness. He looks at the numbers on his phone but his vision is hazy and the numbers make no sense at all.

 He tries to locate the ice-cream man to tell him to help them. It’s not difficult to find him. He is standing right in front of Hijikata. Staring. Grinning.

As Hijikata collapses next to Gintoki, he recalls a conversation he had earlier this week.

_“It’s strange, Toshi. Not only do all the six survivors refuse to say anything but they also refuse to eat anything. They just scream.”_

_“Why are they afraid of food? Were they also made to eat the others by that sick bastard?”_

_“No, nothing strange has been found in their stomachs. Man, none of this makes any sense.”_

_Oh fuck,_ Hijikata thinks as unconsciousness claims him, _oh fuck no._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback will be appreciated and printed out to hang on my walls.


	2. Chapter 2

Hijikata looks at the void surrounding him. He can’t tell if he is floating around in it or standing on something invisible. The only thing Hijikata is sure of right now is that the Darkness is once again giving him a hug that is completely unwelcome.

_Don’t you have some edgy poems to be in, you dipshit? Let me go._

Hijikata tries to shrug off its foggy hands from around him but it continues to cling to him. He is not surprised. All his previous encounters with this bastard have been similar. Hijikata tries a few more times but the Darkness refuses to let him go.

_Stop being a Kondou and leave me alone already._

It doesn’t listen to him, pulling a perfect Kondou. Hijikata decides to just wait it out and wake up the normal way. The fog around him will eventually become thinner and the Darkness will slowly let go of him to quietly reced-

Someone stomps on him. Hard.

Hijikata eyes fly open and he lets out a surprised yell. He ungracefully flails around for a moment before his eyes focus on the three people standing over him.

“Huh, I guess that’s one way to do it, Sakata-san.”

                                                                                                         **~*~**

 

Five minutes later, Hijikata finds himself sitting on the floor in the middle of a small room. The room is bare except for four vents on each of its dull white walls. He eyes the two metal doors present on the opposite sides of the rooms before turning to face the three men sitting near him.

“If you have regained your bearings, Oogushi-san,” the bespectacled man says, pulling his attention towards himself, “I believe introductions are in order.”

He eyes the man carefully, taking in all the information he could get.

He is wearing a crumpled black suit along with expensive shoes. The man is doing a good job of looking calm and unruffled and Hijikata would have bought it too if he couldn’t see the way his hair is a mess like he has been tugging at them. But his sharpness is clearly not a façade. His glasses do nothing to hide the sharp eyes behind them. He is unmistakably assessing him right now.

Hijikata nods.

“I am Hijikata Toushirou,” he says extending his hand towards the other man.

The man’s forehead wrinkles.

“But what about Oogus-”

“Nope.”

“But your partner said-”

“He is not right in the head.”

“Oh, I am sorry?”

The man gives a sympathetic look to the silver haired man.

The Yorozuya who is lying on the floor with his head propped up in his hand and right leg resting over his left leg waves his right hand dismissively.

“Hijikata-kun, you suck on glorified body lotion so please shut the fuck up and get Glasses-kun’s name.”

It pains him to admit that the NEET is right and he should get the introductions over with before butting heads with him.

“Aren’t people dying from diabetes supposed to be quieter? What is this garbled sound I am hearing from your mouth? Do you see the light yet?”

But then again, Hijikata is never his cool, collected self when he is with this human disaster.

The Yorozuya is quick to sit up because half a sentence of logic is all he is capable of uttering every fortnight.

“Haah? What light? Do _you_ see one? I can knock yours out if you want.”

Before Hijikata could snap back, a light chuckle interrupts him.

“What are you laughing at?” he snaps at the brown haired man instead, who shrugs while looking thoroughly amused.

“You two are quite … interesting. Especially Sakata-san considering how worried he was when you were still unconscious.”

Hijikata cocks his eyebrow. “He stepped on me.”

“Well, yeah,” he says, scratching the back of his neck, “He didn’t really hesitate there. But he only did that once we told him that we had been trying to wake you two up for sometime.”

Hijikata looks at the man closely. While he can imagine Glasses to look like a proper gentleman on a normal day, this man looks like he would only wear a suit if he were held at gunpoint and the man with the gun wanted to see a dude in a suit more than he wanted to rob a bank. The man’s wild chestnut brown hair give the impression that they know a comb as nothing but a distant relative whom they meet on important days once or twice a year. Hijikata knows not to judge a book by its cover but the man in front of him honestly looks like someone who enjoys memes unironically.

“Oh, you misunderstood. I was merely worried thinking that Hijikata-kun might not be dead after all,” the Yorozuya says, glaring at the other man, pink tinting his cheeks.

_No need to be so angry._

The man lets out a laugh, shaking his head. “Maybe I did.”

He then gives him Hijikata a two finger salute. “Name’s Fukuda Kaito.”

“And this here, is Reo-chan or the love of my life,” he says pulling the black haired man closer by his waist.

The man gives them a polite nod without attempting to escape his lover who is nuzzling his neck like a giant puppy. “Yoshinobu Reo.”

“So now with that done,” Hijikata stands up, dusting off the dirt from his clothes. “Let’s find a way to get out of here.”

“Hijikata-kun, I know you have anger issues and your tantrums sure are ugly but I have never seen you turn into a giant green broccoli during one of them,” the perm-head points towards one of the metal doors “So, tell me Vice-Commander, how are we going to get past those doors?”

Hijikata huffs. “Typical of you to give up without even trying. We could at least test how strong the doors are.”

“They are made of iron so I am gonna go with hella.”

Hijikata doesn’t bother giving him a reply. He walks towards the door on his right and places both of his hands on it. It looks sturdy enough. He runs them over trying to understand its locking mechanism.

“Is it sufficiently turned on yet? Is it ready to let you inside it?” the Yorozuya yells, being his obnoxious self.

Hijikata once again ignores him and gives the door a push. The door of course does not budge. He gives it a harder shove in his frustration. And falls face first on the floor as the door swings open.

 _“You absolute shitroosters!”_ a shrill voice comes from the other side of the door, _“Do you know how long I have been waiting for you? I can’t believe I thought you kindergarten failures would be capable of opening one door!”_

Hijikata sees the three man walking towards him as he rolls over and sits up.

 “Hijikata-san, please open your yukata I want to see your Superman costum- gah!” Kaito stops in the middle of the sentence when he looks in the next room.

“Oh god.” Reo gasps as he too catches sight of something.

The Yorozuya just looks at it with a furrowed expression.

Hijikata turns around.

In the room, there are six metal chairs, out of which two are already occupied. Two women are sitting on them, their mouths covered with leather straps. One of them is trembling with tears streaming down her cheeks while the other is covered in burns.

_Dead._

_“You missed our first game!”_ the same voice as before comes from the monitor placed on one of the walls.

                                                                                                       **~*~**

“What the fuck did you do to them?” Kaito shouts running towards the chairs.

“He electrocuted her to death.” Reo says, following him, “Don’t touch them yet, Kai!”

Gintoki hauls Hijikata to his feet by his hand. He doesn’t let go when he is up and instead pulls him closer.

“This is your guy?” he whispers.

“Looks like it.” Hijikata nods.

“Those two don’t know that only one of us has the return ticket. Should we tell them?”

“No.”                                 

Gintoki looks into his eyes and then gives a curt nod.

Hijikata isn’t surprised to see that the other man already knows the reason behind his answer. He has already come to terms with the fact that the two of them think alike. It is the reason why they fight so well together and annoy the hell out of each other on their free days.

A pitiful whimper draws his attention away from the Yorozuya which is followed by a screech from Kaito. The only one who seems to be maintaining their cool is Reo who is checking the pulse of the woman.

“Definitely dead. Hell, her eyes have melted out of her head.”

The girl who is still alive lets out another whimper.

“Reo, you are scaring the little one.”

They both approach the pink haired girl who lets out a scared gasp on seeing them.

“Hey, we want to help,” the Yorozuya softly says, getting down on one knee.

Hijikata looks at the leather straps around her arm and legs. “We need a key to unlock them.”

_“It’s in the hand of the sleeping one.”_

“You mean the dead one,” Hijikata growls towards the screen.

_“What a brash way to say it. Then again, you Shinsengumi dogs were never known for your elegance. Ah, stop right there, Kaito-chan!”_

Kaito quits trying to pry open the woman’s hand.

_“You can free her later. I think that  we can still play the game. Now all of you, grab a seat!”_

“What makes you think that we will do your bidding?” Reo says, crossing his arms.

 _“Ooh! I love this part! See those vents up there?”_ They all look up to see that sure enough each of the four walls has a small vent. The room is but a bigger version of their previous one and the only new addition to it is the monitor. _“Right now they are making sure that you have plenty of air to breathe but they have no problem spitting out a lot of smoke and suffocate you all. And none of us want that, do we? You all dying off-screen would be so boring.”_

“But if we sit down, won’t we die as well?” Hijikata asks.

_“No, stupid! If you sit then two of you die. This means that there is a chance that either you or your partner will still be alive and kicking after the game. And if you’re lucky, maybe both of you will be alright!”_

They all stand there in silence for a few seconds before he catches Kaito looking at the dead woman. His face twists in fury.

“No way! Fuck you! Why are you even doing this, you sick bastard?”    

_“Wouldn’t you like to know, lover boy?”_

Reo places a hand on Kaito’s shoulder and squeezes it.

“Give us a little time to reach to a…decision.”

He pulls him towards him and the Yorozuya.

“What do you think, Sakata-san, Hijikata-san?”

Hijikata looks at the Yorozuya only to find him already looking at him.

They both know what they have to do.

“There was one other door in the previous room.” Hijikata tries nonetheless.

_“Locked!”_

“What about the other door in this room?”

_“Not open yet!”_

“Maybe if we all try to open it-”

_“You’re dumb!”_

Hijikata scowls at the Yorozuya when he sees him nodding in agreement.

“I guess, the chairs of death it is,” the perm-head says lazily.

“You can’t be serious, Sakata-san!”

Hijikata shakes his head.

“Unfortunately, it looks like this is one of the rare occasions where he is.”

 “Kai please be logical. We don’t really have a choice here.” Reo is looking more agitated by the second.

“I can’t, okay? I can’t…lose you.”

Reo’s eyes soften and he once again places a hand on Kaito’s shoulder.

“If we refuse, we’ll all die anyway. It’s best to take the chances.”

_“You can’t see but I am yawning right now. Are you done ‘cause I have a microwave to stop at the last second?”_

Kaito deflates and then nods at them. “Alright, alright. Let’s play, you crazy son of a bitch.”

_“Finally! Now I need you to strap both of your legs and one of your hands to the chair and give the key to the person next to you. No need to cover your mouths.”_

Hijikata sees the Yorozuya sit on the last seat to their left. Hijikata moves forward and sits on the one next to him. The girl is sitting next to them and Hijikata gives her a comforting pat on the head before following the maniac’s instruction. He already has one of his legs strapped on when he sees the two men exchanging a hug. Hijikata looks at his strapped leg before looking at the Yorozuya. Maybe he should too? No. The Yorozuya would never let him live it down.

“What are you looking at? You wanna kiss or something?”

“What? No!” he denies, “Was just thinking how anti-climatic it would be if we die here. We have survived a lot of shitty situations, ya know?”

“Yeah,” the Yorozuya says strapping his other leg, “By the way, I am done with you. You better not follow me to my beautiful heaven.”

“You think you’re going to-”

“Die? I mean I wouldn’t normally think so considering I am the main character and all but there are quite a few fanfictions in which I have died.”

Hijikata scoffs. “I was actually more surprised to know you think you’re going to heaven.”

“Yes, a heaven with lots of sweets and no danger of diabetes.”

_“Now if the four of you are done with doing this basic task, please pass your keys. And no cheating. I can see everrrything.”_

“Thank you for telling me that,” the Yorozuya flips off the monitor.

 _“Rude!”_ the man says with a gasp, “ _Now I am going to countdown from ten before flipping these switches on and sending two of you to hell!”_

“Why the countdown?” Reo asks.

_“’Cause it looks cool in movies. Now pipe down.”_

“Well I am surprised that I have survived this long,” the Yorozuya says, settling back in his seat, “I was pretty sure that I was going to die at the hands of that old man’s hard boiled ghost.”

_“Ten.”_

 Hijikata chuckles. “It is kind of pathetic how many times you have almost died because of old geezers.” he replies, turning his face to look at him.

_“Nine.”_

“Are you talking about that family? Are you saying that I should have left them to get impaled on the spikes?” the Yorozuya says without taking his eyes off him.

_“Eight.”_

“The old man said that he loved his wife! He was facing his painful death and that’s what he chose his last words to be!” the Yorozuya continues. Hijikata wonders if they both are really going to spend their last moments talking about wrinkled old people.

_“Seven.”_

“What are going to be your last words?” Hijikata asks.

_“Fiv- wait, shit, six. I am kinda listening to you all so- yeah, six.”_

“I was the one who ate that pudding.”

_“Five.”_

Hijikata rolls his eyes.

 “Hey,” the Yorozuya voice is different now, “Catch this bastard and make sure that my kids are alright.”

_“Four.”_

Hijikata knows that if he walks alive from here, he will catch this bastard and cut him down with his own hands. This man has killed a lot of people and destroyed too many families. He isn’t proud to say that he didn’t always think of the people of Edo as his people. Sure, he would fight and catch enemies of the Government but he did that because it is his job. It was what Kondou-san wants him to do. It is what he has to do so that the Shinsengumi doesn't disband. He was just a man helping a person he loves and admires follow his dream of becoming a real samurai. He never wanted to protect Edo or its people.

_“Three.”_

But then he met this fucker. This idiot samurai who follows his own code of life. Who is so lazy at times that he refuses to get up from his sofa to answer the door, but sometimes has no problem in entering a fight to the death to avenge a killer just because some kids asked him to. This idiot who would spend half of his day irritating people and the other half helping them. The more Hijikata knew about him the more annoyed he got, because all his life he had admired just one person. That’s what he was used to.

_“Two.”_

“Yeah,” he replies softly, earning a smile from Gintoki.

They don't take their eyes off each other.

_“ONE! Sleep tight, motherfuckers!”_

                                                                                                          **~*~**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who has a three hour test every Sunday for the rest of the year? That's right! Me. These people are not kidding around. I can hear them singing all Mulan style - 'We'll make a doctor out of you." 
> 
> Help, I can't write.


End file.
